Full Circle

I have given birth to three healthy children.
I have miscarried three children.
I have lived on two continents.
I have lived in sixteen different locations.
I was married at 22, nearly divorced by 25, and happily married by 26.
I have held over ten different jobs.
I have seven tattoos and counting.
 
And none of that matters when you are trying to redefine your life. If you have read any one of my previous posts you know that I have been searching. For what, I have no clue. But searching so hard. The last year and a half have been the most painful, the hardest, the angriest, and the saddest months of my life. All of that was made even worse by the fact that nothing bad happened to me. In fact, all good things happened to me. I moved to Oahu, gave birth to my third child, quickly sold a house for a good profit, became closer to my husband than I have ever been, and been able to stay home with my three babies and enjoy the Aloha Life! What could I possible be angry about? Not a damn clue. That is where I was for all of those months. Feeling evrything awful with no reason. I thought I was depressed, the doctor said I have anxiety. They offered counseling and medication, but neither of those felt right to me. I lived in a house I hated, so I moved as quickly as I could. I thought the move made a difference.
 
I’ve now come to realize that it was all a state of mind. Yes the house affected me, but so did my outlook on myself. All of those negative feelings were about myself. I found myself angry that I let myself lose myself. See a pattern here? Yeah me too. So I decided that I get to pick who I am and I get to love who I am, even if I am still in between. Then as if I needed more clarity on this matter, I found it. I found it picking a tattoo that I wont be getting for another 5 months. But as I pieced it together in my head, I realized all these other things about myself. Things I loved and things I used to not love.
 
So here I am, all of those things listed above and so many other things. Plus even more I don’t know yet. But I love myself.

Mockingjay

This week has been successful and educational.  I have let go of some of my struggles.  I am allowing myself the time to focus on the kids.  I am going with the flow of the family, mostly.  I am trying to listen to the needs around me, rather than try and react to what I anticipate my family will need.  My job use to be to anticipate the needs of my boss, and I was fairly good at it.  By doing this, I maintained controll of the environment around me.  I have learned that this same tactic does not work with my family.

Some things will never change.  Some things are just to be accepted and adapted to.  Adaptation can be painful, but successful.

Here is to continuing my path to success.

Snap Out of It

I am almost 30 years old.  I have three kids.  I’ve been married for 7 years.  I am staying home with my three kids while my husband serves in the Navy.  We have a good life.  So what is my deal?  What is so wrong that I always feel like I am angry?  Why can’t I find my place in this world, family, life…. or even day?  I feel like I am always running through the motions to just get through the day.  Filling my time with useless tasks to keep our family in what I feel is this stagnant place.

I’ve been mulling over this for some time and I think my first problem is I have no clue where I am going, or even where I want to go.  Who do I want to be?  How do I want to get there?  What is my ideal future?

My first task is to figure out all of those things.  I need to set a clear path of goals for myself and my family.  I need to know what I am working for and why.  I need get myself in line with myself.

I give myself to the end of the week.  I will have my goals set.  I will know who I am now, who I want to be,  and what I want for my family.  Then I will work on my path to get there.

I will snap out of it.

Re Starting

It started in Yelm, Washington. Then it split – part to Chicago, part to Anchorage. Rejoined in San Diego. Then it was in Yokosuka, Japan. Next it was in Everett, Washington. For now, it’s on Oahu. This is the simplest and least dramatic way to explain my life with Roger. During each of those places there were ups and downs. Break ups, engagement, moving, marriage, car purchases, new jobs, pets, and children. For now – we are living on Oahu. We have three children and no plans for more. No pets with us, but some we love that we gave new homes to. We aren’t sure where we go next, or even when we will go — so we focus on making this our home and enjoying life as a family of 5. Here is to us, and me actually writing a blog now. Fingers crossed.

Dive

Endless possibilities to write about and I cannot pick one for my first post.  How silly it is to be so concerned with what your first post will be about.  Let’s be real, if anyone ever does wander across this small fish in a sea of blogs they won’t go as far back to read the first.  They may read the most recent few, or the one that *gasp* went viral.  It is almost like that first step off the airplane when you are sky diving (interesting analogy since I have never and will never do such a thing).  You just gotta hold your breath, and step.  Unlike sky diving, or any other extreme moment, what would go wrong?  A typo at worst…what a silly little worry.  So let’s just chalk this one up to my first step, my dive, my get over your fear girl and write a damn blog!