Full Circle

I have given birth to three healthy children.
I have miscarried three children.
I have lived on two continents.
I have lived in sixteen different locations.
I was married at 22, nearly divorced by 25, and happily married by 26.
I have held over ten different jobs.
I have seven tattoos and counting.
 
And none of that matters when you are trying to redefine your life. If you have read any one of my previous posts you know that I have been searching. For what, I have no clue. But searching so hard. The last year and a half have been the most painful, the hardest, the angriest, and the saddest months of my life. All of that was made even worse by the fact that nothing bad happened to me. In fact, all good things happened to me. I moved to Oahu, gave birth to my third child, quickly sold a house for a good profit, became closer to my husband than I have ever been, and been able to stay home with my three babies and enjoy the Aloha Life! What could I possible be angry about? Not a damn clue. That is where I was for all of those months. Feeling evrything awful with no reason. I thought I was depressed, the doctor said I have anxiety. They offered counseling and medication, but neither of those felt right to me. I lived in a house I hated, so I moved as quickly as I could. I thought the move made a difference.
 
I’ve now come to realize that it was all a state of mind. Yes the house affected me, but so did my outlook on myself. All of those negative feelings were about myself. I found myself angry that I let myself lose myself. See a pattern here? Yeah me too. So I decided that I get to pick who I am and I get to love who I am, even if I am still in between. Then as if I needed more clarity on this matter, I found it. I found it picking a tattoo that I wont be getting for another 5 months. But as I pieced it together in my head, I realized all these other things about myself. Things I loved and things I used to not love.
 
So here I am, all of those things listed above and so many other things. Plus even more I don’t know yet. But I love myself.
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